So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so let's talk penis.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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