I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
