your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
