i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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