Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
