i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
