My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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