I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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