Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
