i think my tv is drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
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