A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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