Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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