Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
