I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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