Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
