the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
