Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Still dying that you shit outside
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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