I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
