I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I got inside last night via doggy door
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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