Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize