I wish I could punch you in the face.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
