if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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