does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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