I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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