I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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