when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We left the knife in your bed.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
