party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
