YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
