It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
