how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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