mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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