I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
