no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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