You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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