Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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