it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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