I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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