Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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