The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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