I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
