Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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