When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize