i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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