This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Bring me that man meat
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
