Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
