He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
