I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
