I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize