$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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