if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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