dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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