i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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