woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
