so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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