she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
