Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
