oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
