you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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