I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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