the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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